The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
