My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
