I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i dont even know how to be here
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
