Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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