The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He felt like a one man threesome
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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