he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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