i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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