i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
