I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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