My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
