I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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