I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I AM VODKA MAN
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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