so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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