Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
