so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
