You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
