The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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