I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
