I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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