Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
