Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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