She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
