Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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