Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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