I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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