Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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