She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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