at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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