Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
