i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
