walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
