I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My bed smells like the plague
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
