So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
