turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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