Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
