1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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