Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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