I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you will always have a special place in my vag
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
