dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
