I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
