i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He passed out mid-signature
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
