she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
