I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
