I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
