What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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