i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
