and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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