I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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