Since when is my name a synonym for head?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
