So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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