i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
