Where did you get a picture of my penis
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
