so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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