i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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