I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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