Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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