You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
