her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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