So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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