I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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